Forty-one

Yesterday was my 41st birthday. I spent the day trying to lie down as much as possible as it was a bad nausea day, AND I have another head cold! Urgh. I did cry when Cameron got home from work from relief and exhaustion and hormones, but it wasn't a bad day. Caden and I watched My Neighbor Totoro, he took a long nap, I ate chicken soup and in the end there was cheesecake with candles and my son singing me happy birthday. 

The day before my birthday, this article came across my news feed: Fortyhood: Why You're Too Old to Have a Baby after Forty.  Of course I had to read it, and upon my first reading, the whole thing  pissed me off royally. Her description of motherhood? "think of your worst hangover, multiply it by four, subtract showering, napping, and brunch with friends, and add a baby." She says that in her quest to beat mother nature and achieve having a baby, she never really thought about life after baby. Basically she says she never really thought about being a parent! In general I have empathy for mothers with young children who are struggling, but it is hard for me to find empathy for this woman. She is lamenting the loss of her freedom, marital intimacy, sleep, and energy and blaming it all on the fact that she had her kid after 40. The thing is most moms I know, at some point, struggle with all of those issues. I think when we play the game "if only," we always lose. "If only I didn't have to deal with infertility, if only I'd had my baby younger, if only my baby slept through the night, if only my kid would listen to me, if only, if only, if only " When we play that game, we never learn the art of leaning into what is, and showing up for the life we have. 

Maybe this woman would have had an easier time of it if she'd had her son younger, but as a woman who will give birth at 41, I resent her blaming her issues on age and asserting that all women over 40 share her experience. I have always wanted to be a parent. In the years struggling to bring my son into the world, I would sometimes cry seeing gawky teenagers at the bus stop because I have always wanted to sign up for all of it. And in negotiating with my husband whether or not to grow our family, there was much discussion of "after the baby comes" and whether or not we were up for it. And we made a decision. We said yes.

I wonder what her son will think if he ever reads her article. What will he think if he reads that she found motherhood "slightly tortuous?" I am not saying it is wrong to have these thoughts, or even write them publicly, but once you say yes to bringing a baby into the world, you have to keep saying yes. Every time you internally scream no to waking in the middle of the night, to patiently waiting out a tantrum, to cleaning that poopy bum or making that grilled cheese that may never get eaten, you risk saying no to your life, and no to your kid. We have to always look for the yes.

And what a good lesson for me to remember, as I sit here in my jammies with a pile of used kleenex on one hand and a little cooler bag of snacks on the other. I chose this pregnancy, and I want these babies, so I have to find the ways to say yes to nausea, yes to my changing body, yes to fatigue, and also I have to find the ways to say yes to parenting my boy and being in partnership with my husband while weathering these physical discomforts. I found a little window this morning- Caden woke at 5:00 and since I'd recently snacked out of my little cooler bag, the nausea was at bay, and I could be the one to get out of bed and go to him. I crawled into his bed and he said "Mama let's be snuggle bugs." Which meant an hour of me trying to go back to sleep while he flopped in my arms like a fish and we both coughed and sneezed and blew our noses. So we got up and I ran him a bath with Eucalyptus oil and heated myself up some chicken soup. He played in the water, the steam soothing both of our chests, and I ate sitting on the toilet. When he asked me to get into the bath with him, I said yes. We poured water on each other's backs, and when the water grew cold I wrapped him in a towel and sent him into his dad, who was grateful for the extra sleep. I washed my hair for the first time in days, and then crawled back into bed. 

I have had my moments of doubt during the last couple of months. It is a mad mission, and it has been hard so far, but we said yes, and so I will keep saying yes. In the end I have never had a single regret about bringing Caden into the world, and I trust that I will feel the same about these babies, too.