Vulnerability

“I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow — that’s vulnerability.” - Brene Brown

Do you know Brene Brown? If you don't, stop reading this instant and go watch this video instead.  I am in a scary, vulnerable place right now. I want to open my heart up to these little beings inside me that could become babies, I want to love them, even though they may not stay, and yet I can't seem to let myself.  I am anxious and scared and stressed. I know there is no way to protect myself from the pain if I miscarry again. As Brene Brown says, I can't beat vulnerability to the punch by not getting excited. But. I don't want to miscarry again. I don't want o to bleed. I don't want to feel that sadness, that emptiness, that physical sensation. I am terrified. Here I am though- I chose to pursue these fertility treatments knowing there are no guarantees, knowing that choosing this path was to choose the possibility of another loss. I would like to experience more joy in my current pregnancy. It seems I am in need of release, something to loosen this knot in my chest, my belly. I feel like I am curling in a ball to protect myself, but maybe what I really need is to get a little more vulnerable, let go, cry. All I can really do though is try to be here, try to hang with all these scary emotions each step of the way.

Just got my second beta results back. 689.1 All is well.