"Being angry doesn’t make you a bad person, just someone with unmet needs."

Caden woke up at 4:45 this morning. To him it was 5:45, which is early, but almost a reasonable time to get up. Today, however, is Daylight Savings Time, an evil wrought upon parents with small children. Unmet needs? Yes. I really needed to sleep today. Cameron got up with Caden to try and let me sleep a little more, but I couldn’t get on top of my thump thump thump anxious heart and wound up getting out of bed. I went to a meditation thing, and sat on a cushion and breathed and calmed a little, but then there was a discussion part where people aired their woes in relation to practice and I wanted to say it, to tell those strangers, “I am pregnant, and I am scared.” I sat there, my heart racing, my hands growing heavy, anxiety creeping up my spine anticipating my turn to speak. But when everyone had gone except for me, the facilitator said “Well, we’ve actually gone over time so we’ll have to stop there.” What? I was pissed! Time spent in meditation flew out the window.


Back at home Cameron went to get his hair cut and I tried to put Caden down for a nap. His body relaxed against mine as we read Shel Silverstein poems, and he asked for “It’s Time for Sleep, My Love," so I thought I was golden, but sleep was to play no part in his afternoon. Nothing triggers me like no nap. My eyes were heavy, my tongue slow, my limbs dragging. I did not want to give up the nap. I shoved him into some warm clothes, pulled out the stroller, and started walking. Surely he would sleep. Resentful that I was walking instead of sleeping, I stomped, breathing heavy, trying to enjoy the gusty leaves and sunshine, but just stayed stuck in anger. I furiously scrolled through my phone for something calming to listen to. Dharma talks, guided meditations, positive affirmations, it was all just pissing me off. I walked into the wind,  pushing my kid up a hill, as he sang and swung his feet, being cute, but I couldn’t see it. He doesn’t nap every day anymore, and I know I need to just surrender to the unpredicatability, but the allure of a quiet house, time to rest my head. I find it hard to let that go, so I kept walking, growing ever more angry with him. I reached a point where I was scared to go home because I was so angry, that I was scared I would be an evil horrible monster to my child should he be set free from his stroller. I finally settled on Ray LaMontangue on the headphones and told Caden I would be unavailable for conversation. I kept walking until my husband got home and took over and then, blissfully, I got to sleep for half an hour.

I have been trying, since Caden turned two, to find a way to parent my child that is loving and gentle, yet also sets firm boundaries. I read the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, and it resonated deeply with me. It is based on a few guiding principles, one that you must model appropriate emotional regulation for your child to learn how to regulate their own response to their emotions, and two, that the more connected you are to your child the more they will listen and respond to you. When I’ve got my act together, I feel really great about parenting in this style. When I am calm and can provide a safe container for my son to have all the big emotions he has, when I put down my phone and stay present with him, when I find ways for him to help me cook, when I take the time to look in his eyes when he’s telling me a story, it’s the best. Heart melting and warm and yummy. The thing is, this philosophy of parenting asks you to dig deep. To find your triggers, stay calm, take care of yourself, stay present. It is hard inner work. And since we have been going through infertility treatments, it has become even harder to stay present with my kid as I fret over the result of this test, day dream about more children, take time many times a day to offer support t friends on line going through all of this with me. Regulating my emotional responses has been near impossible as my hormones have fluxuated, soaring and crashing. And now that I am a little pregnant, my anxiety is sky rocketing. I am tired and hungry and scared, and I am angry a lot. Recently this article came across my facebook feed: "Healthy ways of dealing with anger in the family and in yourself," and I figured I should give it a read. It was helpful in that, like everything Genevieve Simperingham writes, she advocates compassion with oneself and an exploration of the deeper sources of our anger. The line that struck me the most,” Being angry doesn’t make you a bad person, just someone with unmet needs.” When I am angry with my son, my miracle, the baby I prayed and cried and waited for for so long, I feel terrible about myself, so I need people to tell me I’m not a bad person. I need reminders to forgive myself.

So how do we go about meeting those unmet needs? We tried. My husband let me sleep in. He gave me the space to go to a meditation session. Maybe there was something else I needed that I was not even aware of. I have so much support in my life, and yet I am struggling. It is such a strange dichotomy to be trying so hard to bring another child into this world, maybe even two, and at the same time be struggling so much with the child I have. Many buddhist teachers advocate to stay present with these uncomfortable feelings, the anger, the anxiety, the self loathing, to sit with them, accept them, befriend them, not try to change then, but witness what the power of self -compassion and accepting life as it is can do. I’m not sure I know how to do that. I love my son so fiercely, and want to do right by him, and it is this same ferocity, this fire, that gets me into trouble. And he has it, too, man. My boy is all fire.

Lucky Number 7?

I am pregnant. It's four in the morning, rain pouring down, and my third pee test shows a dark second line. It's just me in the dark with a speck of baby, maybe two? growing inside me. Holy Shit. Yesterday was my first positive test, a faint line, and then one of those digital tests that says clearly "Pregnant." Pounding heart, jittery grin. I left it on the kitchen counter so I could keep looking at it, but then the elation began to fade. Really, am I really pregnant? And worse, does it mean anything? This is my seventh pregnancy, even though I have just one little guy sleeping soundly in his bed. Is it ridiculous to think that I can have another one? Another soft downy head asleep on my chest? Screaming at two am, making funny grunts and coos nursing, learning to smile and laugh and walk and talk. I have been reminded that science is behind me- these embryos inside me are genetically tested, they are chromosomally normal, even though most of the embryos we made through our IVF process were not. It is possible, that this will happen. I hear that in Judaism, seven is sacred, and signifies completion. Maybe this seventh pregnancy is the one that will complete our family. I hope. I can hope.

Fall Feast for Carly: Grilled Salmon, Grilled Carrots, Beet Salad, Baked Sweet Potato

September arrived and it felt like fall came overnight. Carly came over for dinner last night and asked,"What can I do?" 

"Caden has been waiting all day to see you," I replied.

She sat with him while he built with blocks, recounting to her in detail the routine for starting his day at preschool. She played with my son in the sandbox, rocked out with him on his drums, held his hand while he gave thanks before dinner, and read him a story while we all curled up on his bed, my eyes inching closed, drowsy from my small glass of red wine (metered out from my 2-3 drinks/week limit). Ideally I wouldn’t be drinking any alcohol. Or eating any sugar, or having my caffeinated tea, or eating much dairy, but I don’t have it in me right now. While keeping up with my three year old, putting healthy food on the table and practicing moderation is going to have to be enough. Which prompts the question that Carly asks once my son is safely asleep in his bed,

“Do you have the energy for another kid?”

“Yes,” I say without pause. But at 40, this is the question that scares me the most. Will I have enough energy? Can I do it again? And what if we have twins? Twins. It gives me a shiver, a little thrill. We could put two embryos in at once. Maybe I could have my dream of three children. But at what cost? A twin pregnancy is risky. Caring for two new babies would be hard, and my husband does not share this dream of three children.  It is hard for me, however, to stomach the thought of being so conservative and reducing our chances of pregnancy so greatly. I do not want to drag out this process any longer than necessary- I am ready to move on one way or another. 

On my gratitude list for the day:

Thankful that Friday was my last birth control pill.

Thankful for the longevity of my friendship with Carly.

Thankful for the delicious salmon.

And always, thankful for my whirlwind spitfire child.

Beet and Arugula Salad with Candied Walnuts

Ingredients:

Dressing:

5 tbsp oilive oil

1 tbsp. balsamic vinegar

2 tbsp orange juice

¼ tsp.salt

Salad:

½ head lettuce

3 cups arugula

4 medium sized beets

1 pear

2 cups walnuts

2 tbsp. maple syrup

goat cheese log

serves 4

Directions:

Place the beets whole, with skins on, in water to boil. Make sure the skin is a complete package- do not trim off the little tails or too much of the stems. Alice Waters suggests that this makes the beets retain their juiciness, and I have to agree. Make sure the beets are completely covered with water and boil until they can be pierced easily with a fork. Time will vary depending on the size of the beet, but should take around 20 min. Once tender, drain beets and place in refrigerator to cool.

While all of this is going on, turn your attention to the walnuts. In a heavy skillet (preferably cast iron) toast the walnuts on medium heat. You are looking to reduce the bitter flavor at the end of the walnut, and to soften the texture just a bit. Once they are warm through and through, reduce the heat and drizzle on the maple syrup. Keep stirring and cook until the walnuts are coated and delicious.

Wash and tear your greens into bite sized bits. Arrange in bowls.

Pull out those beets. Remove the skins by hand. They should come off quite easily. Slice into quarter inch thick rounds. Slice off medallions of goat cheese, and place in between beet slices, making little sandwiches. Cut these in quarters and lay atop the greens.

Add walnuts.

Slice your pear into thin slices. leaving on the skin. Arrange pear slices around the outer edge of the greens. Mix up dressing in blender and drizzle it on each Salad. Yum.