Anatomy Scan, Check!

Today we had our 17.5 week anatomy scan. This was a huge milestone. I have been stressing for days, worried that something would be missing: a brain hemisphere, a kidney, a liver, but lo and behold, both my little beans are normal, normal, normal. My cervix was also nice and long and closed, and measured long enough that my risk of preterm labor is greatly reduced. They are side by side right now, both head down, their feet kind of overlapping up near my ribcage. I didn't even realize my uterus had grown all the way up there already! I'm so grateful, and things feel much more real now, and yet, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What does that expression mean? Like you've got one shoe on, and the second one might fall from the sky and hit you on the head? That's what I see in my head, but it makes no sense at all. In all our years trying before Caden came, it always seemed we could manage the first shoe. We got pregnant with some medical help, but no grand heroics, and then every time, the other shoe dropped, and we lost the baby. When he finally did come, it was of his own volition. No doctors, no meds, no charting or temperatures or timed sex. I was grieving deeply during the cycle we conceived Caden, and I don't even remember having sex that month, but he came. With this pregnancy, it was a highly orchestrated act of science. We asserted our will to have more children, and at every step of the way, things went right. It has been somewhat shocking, and I keep waiting for something to go wrong. Or I keep waiting to start having more faith. Or just let down my guard. Do I really think keeping my shoulders up around my ears will keep my babies from leaving? Do I really think worry will keep that shoe up in the sky?

I am starting to trust these babies. I am starting to believe that they, like Caden, want to be here. That they chose me, chose us. That they are excited to come be a part of this life. What I am struggling with more is trusting my body. Today as the ultrasound tech was fishing around in the murky waters of my womb, and finding hearts with four chambers beating away, hands with five fingers, femur's and humerus, I was thinking what a feat my body is doing growing these beings. What a feat my body did growing Caden, carrying him, birthing him on his due date in the water, allowing me the birth I'd always wanted. I have so much to thank my body for in terms of childbearing already. And beyond making babies, this body has survived car accidents and surgeries and reckless use. This body has paddled me through rivers, carried me up mountains, skied me through snowy forests. This body has allowed me to stay up all night tending sick babies and laboring women. I've got to give myself some credit.

Thank you womb for carrying Caden to term and giving me a smooth labor and delivery. Thank you for growing such a healthy strong boy. Thank you legs and for all the dancing and hiking and moving through the outdoors. Thank you arms for all the holding and rocking. Thank you back for all the shoveling and hauling and planting. You are a strong body. We can do this. We can keep these babies safe inside until they are big enough to safely leave. We can keep my inner ocean a hospitable environment in which they can grow. I trust you. I trust me.

If I say it enough, maybe I'll get there. I set the intention now of honoring myself for what my body has done. I suppose this is a time of building relationships- me, the babies, my body. We are a team. For now, there is no separation.