Gratitude

In 2013, I attempted a gratitude practice in which I wrote at the end of the day three things I was grateful for and three things I had accomplished. For me it is a retraining of the brain to focus my attention away from that which I lack, away from where I have failed, to what I have, and what I have done. At first the list of accomplishments felt silly, trivial. I folded laundry, I did the grocery shopping. But on the other hand these are the small tasks that make up my life. Then there began to be bigger accomplishments. I was about to yell at my son, but I stopped, I took deep breaths. I hid my phone for an hour and stayed present with what was happening. When I started giving myself credit for those small moments that are so important to me, I began to feel better about myself, and to have more of those moments. The gratitude practice and the accomplishments began to dovetail: "I am grateful for my connection with my husband; I put away my computer and spent time connecting with my husband." As powerful as this practice was for me, I let it lapse sometime in the fall, and with the advent of the new year, I decided I'd like to reignite some sort of gratitude practice.

 

Enter photographer Hailey Bartholomew. Right before the new year I happened upon this video that describes her journey from discontent to a place of gratitude. She decided for one year to take a picture every day of something she was grateful for. The idea spread through social media, and this year I decided to participate in the 365grateful project through instagram, in which I post one picture every day of something for which I am grateful.  I thought I'd share a small sampling of what I've noticed in the first few weeks.

Day 7: grateful for my husband's relationship with my son.

Day 8: grateful the two little satsumas in my belly are still growing strong.

Day 17: grateful for green.

Posted with Blogsy

Second Trimester!

Our family configuration come spring. Photo from Fundacion Proteger. 

We made it through the first trimester! and it has been a wild ride. While I am still struggling with nausea intermittently and the remnants of the colds and the flu, I am out of bed and on my way to fully functional. After some crazy rain, I woke up yesterday to bright sunny skies. I met a friend for aqua aerobics at the gym, and joined about 30 senior citizens to splash around in the pool. Truth be told, after such a long time of being immobile, this kicked my ass! But I smiled the whole time, so grateful to feel my limbs move against the water, ecstatic to be chugging along with all these other joyful people just moving their bodies. In my head I was saying things such as "Oh, hello bicep! Hello calf muscles!" It felt like a slow reawakening. And I loved that there was nothing "cool" about it.

Cameron is going out of town for work, Becca is coming to stay with me while he's gone (!!!!!!!), and I have an appointment today to learn how to manage the newest complication with this pregnancy: gestational diabetes.

What to eat when dealing with pregnancy induced nausea

During this first trimester of nausea, I have often wished that someone would tell me what to eat. I am writing this in case there is someone out there who could benefit from my experience. Let me state for the record that normally I am a cook from scratch, whole food, low sugar kind of girl, but pregnancy, both times has put me in a survival mode of eating. At least during the first trimester. Everyone is different, but I thought it would be worth it to share my experience. There are many things I cannot eat, onions, garlic, and any kind of pepper being the worst offenders. I am also gluten intolerant, but my level of gluten free substitutes has sky rocketed in these past months. Some triggers for me for nausea and vomiting: empty stomach, drinking too much water at once, the smell of salami, getting overheated, standing in front of the fridge, coughing. Finding your triggers and avoiding them is very helpful. Also, staying hydrated and well rested can help lessen some of the symptoms. Some things that have helped have been an herbal supplement called nausea ease, psi wrist bands, hard candies, and ultimately the anti-nausea drug. Zofran. Now, without further ado, I bring you what to eat when you want to hurl.

Level one: you feel queasy, but in general if you eat you feel better. It's kind of like a hangover that goes on and on. In this state, here's what worked for me:

Tator tots

Grilled cheese

Mild lasagna

Pasta with kale sauce (read steamed kale pured with butter and cream or milk) and fresh mozzarella 

Toast with butter, almond butter, and honey

Cheese and crackers

Apple slices with cheese or nut butters

Chicken noodle soup

Nachos with no salsa

Rice and beans

Scrambled eggs

Quiches

Frittatas

Bacon

Avocados

Rice and meat

Wraps with slices of cooked chicken breast

Mild Enchiladas

Saag paneer

San Pelligrino sodas

Smoothies

Cottage cheese and canned peaches

Sushi with cooked fish (Philadelphia
roll, I love you).

Pretzels

Baked sweet potatoes with lots of butter

Papa de locro (cheesy potato soup from Ecuador)

Quesedillas

Level two:

The hangover is really bad. It's the kind where you do actually puke, but not often. You feel bad unless you are vertical, and even then...Your diet may become limited to:

Chicken broth with rice or noodles, maybe with a little avocado or well cooked carrot

Whole pinto beans in chicken broth

Scrambled eggs with cheese

Cold cheese sandwiches 

Brothy lentil soup

Plain yogurt

Toast

Electrolyte drinks

B-natal lollipops 

Hard candies

Tangerines

Jello

Sodas

Level three:

And then there is the kind of pregnancy induced nausea that can get you into trouble. In this form, it is hard to keep anything down and most of what you eat comes up. If you are not keeping anything down, you need to be in contact with your doctor or midwife, as you can get really dehydrated and that is bad for you and baby(s). In this state, you mostly want to stick with liquids with Calories:

Electrolyte drinks

Chicken broth

Instant breakfast drinks

There's my two cents. If you read this and have thoughts to add, please, fire away!

Selfie on a very nauseas day. Overall doing much better now- back in level one for the most part.

On trying to be a bear, and not a goat.

Posted with Blogsy

Did you watch the little short? You should. It's good. My therapist gave me the homework of watching this video, and told me that it isn't hard to give an empathetic response to a friend, but what is really hard is to give an empathetic response to yourself. Her homework for me was to try and be more like the bear, and less like the goat with myself.

In the past two weeks, I have had moments where I have felt like I cannot possibly do this. The worst definitely came last Thursday, when my husband came home early from work not because I had been puking all day and felt terrible, but because he felt sick and needed to rest. In my head I screamed "No, no, No!!!! I cant do this. I cannot do this." And throughout that afternoon and night I had huge sobbing melt downs. What does it mean to say yes in moments like that? What does it mean to be empathetic with myself? The conversation in my head was something like this. "I can't do this. I can't. Well you have to. Buck up. BUT I CAN'T!!!!!" More tears. I was railing internally against what was happening, that I had been sick for two weeks, that I had been nauseous for a month, that I didn't have any child care for the next day, that my husband was sick and couldn't help me. And still some part of me was admonishing, "At least you are pregnant. This is what you wanted. This is what you asked for." I cried and puked and railed until I went to bed. I slept, and puked some more, and slept. In the morning, it felt like defeat, but it was really a small yes. A small leaning in. Yes, I feel terrible. Yes, I am not able to do this on my own. Caden ate cereal in my bed. He watched netflix at 8 in the morning. I called a sitter agency and paid the big bucks to get someone to come to the house immediately. I talked to my doctor and he prescribed me higher doses of anti-nausea medication. I went to see my other doctor, and she put me in the hospital for dehydration. I sank into that hospital bed and I said a big yes. To sleep, to IV fluids, to medicine to stop the vomiting, to someone taking care of me.

I sort of wanted everyone to know, "I'm in the hospital! This is some real shit!" because what I really wanted was that empathy, but the thing is, I had been getting it all along from my friends. I sat on my bed on the solstice crying and coughing and sneezing and peeing and nauseous and texted these moms that I hang out with most Fridays, and as their stories of peeing their own pants when pregnant and their stories of covering up baby pee with towels to avoid changing sheets came in. As they made me laugh and encouraged me to sleep and gave me so much love and empathy, I realized why I love them. They always do that. They are always ready to get real and love you when things are hard, and do not flinch to tell their own stories. They are bears. But I was being a goat to myself, thinking I should be stronger, healthier, more emotionally resilient, better able to buck up. It wasn't until I woke up Saturday with a fever and realized that I had caught what my husband had, and that I was looking at a brand new sickness, and then discovered that I actually had the swine flu, that I stopped beating myself up. At that point it was complete surrender.  I had to say yes. Not yes! This is awesome! But yes, I am very sick, and this is really hard, and yes, I have to rest and I need help.

I am slowly learning that this is what it means to lean in. Not to stay cheery and sunny and always optimistic, but to accept what is really happening and work with it instead of running away. For me, learning to lean in means learning to be more gentle with myself, and not judge myself for my experiences and emotional reaction. 

I am still sick, but I am starting to feel better. For now I will continue to embrace baby sitters and television and all the help I can get. I will try not to goat myself, but I do hope to be back on my feet someday.

If you want to read more about this whole yes idea, check out this post on my friend Becca's blog, Writing for Clarity.